This latest bout of physical and psychological 'crashing' resulting from the effects of my sister being murdered and the continuous lies and apathy of the MET Police, which are easily proven since through their blatant stupidity they cannot be bothered to read a letter properly and dropped themselves right in it. Also, add the MET 'losing' her mother's murder case file years ago, despite finding her dead and the reasons they gave why the police who found her with my sister were certain it was homicide and thus a murder investigation.
A new symptom has emerged as the dentist confirmed that they had lost enamel from 3 teeth over the last couple of months; been twice, back then and today, her explanation is that teeth grinding has suddenly started occurring - in my sleep.
This injury 'reminded' me of the faint scars on my left arm caused by a large sharp knife.
"NOT self harming," I have explained to the psychiatric health teams that the doctor has referred me to a number of times, not by asking btw. "Yes I inflicted it upon myself, but your notes are wrong it was not self harm."
And so once again I have to go through the explanation, be quicker to refer any future counselors to this page:
Back when I was 14, the question, "Isn't it odd that so many of mum's dad's side of the family die of cancer?" was answered. An American geneticist had identified a rare form of cancer that was hereditary, this is not a tendency, it's a genetic code that once it is invariably activated releases a lethal cancer. Et viola we one of the very few families to be identified as a carrier; caused a stir in the genetics community, my mother's cancerous thyroid is on display in a prominent medical museum.
9 years later I had again had the 'inconclusive' blood test that I had every few months at a London hospital. My indestructible mother had already defeated the cancer twice by this time. Two inconclusive in a row or a positive and it would be the permanent loss of my voice, scarred throat and life long dependency on life saving medication if I was lucky plus more ops, more likely it would be only delaying the inevitable.
Having seen what had happened to my grandfather and other relatives I had long since resolved that once the pain had begun, which meant there was no hope, I was going to end it when I had enough, and not go through the Hell they had suffered.
The question was what would be the preferred method?
The test for various solutions was catalysed as I became unintentionally reckless. The cause of this had been that they had met the woman who my film and theatre production company is named after AJF, after a few years of no contact. What should have been so simple, just explain to her: my decision was to spare her the horror my decline from cancer as the doctor's had had an inconclusive test when we knew each other, and we could not have children as it would be unfair to inflict on her and our children the trauma of what the future would be.
However it proved impossible to look into her eyes and tell her this. That emotion I have for her choked the words in my throat and I didn't know it was possible to feel that deeply which has never diminished in the slightest, quite the opposite. So a few attempts to explain myself only produced ill feeling until a stormy exchange where it was finally revealed.
Having then plunged further into an emotional trauma, only equaled and surpassed by Bernadette's murder over these years, I unintentionally got too reckless in how would I top myself if the cancer was eating away at me.
A certain garden plant brought my far closer to death than I had intended.The toxin metabolised after 3 hours and my heart regained its rhythm- so that was one effective way.
But I had always fancied Cato the Younger's method. The enemy of Julius Caesar and implacable defender of the Republic to the death, had taken his own life when Caesar was closing in on him after the Battle of Thapsus in the Great Roman Civil War, Cato had driven a sword into himself;
although like Tojo he made a bit of a mess of it.
Caesar's response on hearing of Cato's death was,
ὮΚάτων, φθονῶ σοι τοῦ θανάτου: καὶ γὰρ ἐμοὶ σὺ τῆς σαυτοῦ σωτηρίας ἐφθόνησας.’
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